i'm not proud of anything i've done. it's strange cause i've had people say to me 'wow, i could never do that' or 'how do you it?'...but to me it's not that big a deal.

i've walked away from my cheating ex-fiancee of 3 years and first love who's in the army. i've attempted suicide more times than i can remember, never mind care to count, choosing to walk away. i haven't self harmed for about 9 months now. i've been confirmed and have my faith tested almost daily. i put up with mother's demands and anger whenever she's around. i've nearly drowned twice and facing my fear head on by learning to swim without a float. i've met millionaires and not batted an eyelid. i've gotten the standard 5 GCSEs A-C and then another 4 equivalents in the post. i've been involved in student politics for 4 years. right now i'm volunteering while dragging my arse along on the dole...i'm just getting by the best i can.

but to help someone come out of their shell and help them on their feet...i can understand my teachers now.

i guess 'finally; freedom.' but i don't really care. it's just the being dead part that i'm interested in. sod the last words that hollywood bigs up. who? pfft whoever passes by and hears them.

a few years ago it was love cause i hated being at home and having to talk to mother...well hate being an understatement at the time.

but now i couldn't care less. i'm volunteering. i'm doing something. it beats sitting on my ass by miles.

the weekend i hate cause mother is home and purely annoys the hell out of me. i stay in my room to stop me from ringing her neck or bitching at her. so my weekend is tuesday when she's out and i'm home.

work...well the till spitting it's dummy out cause i've forgotten to press the right button, the team leader (not manager) taking over my share of the work and some awkward customer smart arseness....oh and being bored sat on my perch.

living situation and yes i bloody well am

july05 and i wouldn't change a thing. it has changed my life and God knows where i'd be if it hadn't happened!

usually i hit the roof at first or smoulder for about a month..sometimes longer before hitting the roof. most of the time i'm pretty much a push over. but when i'm angry...i'd get out my way too. if it's just the one time offence then i forgive and forget but repeats depands on what it is as to whether i forgive and forget after awhile or continue to smoulder. for example with my mother it's always a case of smouldering in the fact that i know her well enough to know that she's not going to listen to me and continue to hurt me...but after the same things over and over it blends in to one and i've forgotten every single event. heck most of it i just switch off when she starts just to ease the pain. another grudge i keep is with my ex's so-called best mate...who's now with my ex...haven't been able to stand any whiff of cheating since.
win back? pfft i'm not one to be bribed. unless i've said 'i want nothing more to do with you' then there's usually a way...ether talking things over or abit of time for me to cool off.
but 9 times out of 10 when i can feel myself getting that angry i walk away...cool off for however long it takes and then come back. i know full well what i'm capable of when i'm angry. thinking about it just scares me of what could have been if i didn't have any restrain what so ever.

i have tried everything to try to make them from hurting me but every day mother continues to do so. i've tried talking, i've had years worth of theripy, i've even tried to kill her out of pure anger and frustration...all just to make her see what she's doing to me. taunting, degrading, contradicting, pathethic little nags, demands, beatings, invading privacy, ignorance, steriotyping, comparing, neglecting...i could go on. she's never happy. she cares more about the dogs than anything else. she's even told me that if i was disabled she would have had an abortion. some days i wish that she did.

but mostly i want to get out of here. i want to disown her completely. if she died i wouldn't cry and you'd have to force me to go to her funeral. she's a bully whom i currently have no escape from. if i did i'd be long gone.

so the plan is: to save like hell for a house in the states and to change my name legally to that of my adopted family whom i love dearly.

with my mother there is no closure other than there is nothing more i can do. i have done everything possible and still nothing has changed. but i must forgive...even if i hate doing so...even if i hate the person...even if it's so hard it takes years. i must. why? well look in the bible...or even The Shack by Wm Paul Young.

i don't bloody care who it fucking is who makes such vile remarks! i've even had a go at grampa for saying a racist remark about our heritage. the first time i hit the roof...unless it's more degrading and personal attack then be prepared for a left-handed slap...or right hook which ever comes first to mind. any more remarks after that then i let it smoulder before flat out bitching as my ex found out when she called me a paki. correction i'm part Indian.

even hetrophobia as well dispite having once experiencing that prejudice myself. but within the LGBT community we all want equal rights but we're still devided by sexuality...for example most Lesbians tend not to like Bisexuals on the grounds of 'the best of both worlds' and 'traitors to Lesbianism' ideas. in most cases it's just ignorance. personally if i'm treated right then gender shouldn't matter. but transexuals is a mixed bag - some are ok with it and others not.

also disability discrimination winds me up something wicked. after my uncle Kev i no longer see mild disability. some people see deformed figures shuffling down the road and mock them. it drives me crazy to see that happen. we are what we are and there's nothing we can do about it. i have friends who have celibral palsy, autism, dyslexia and God knows whatever else...i just don't see it. i see people like you and me. normal average guys and girls. one guy with autism totally whoops my ass at 3D graphics! that was in my last course and i know for a fact that i got top score after looking at the marks with my course tutor. man, he made a cushion look like a real fucking cushion that you could poke and prod...mine pfft. that just looked like an overgrown coin. dyslexica well you wouldn't think that my course tutor has it at all. her spelling is just as good as mine. celibral palsy...one girl is complete kiss ass don't give a fuck about shit type. she doesn't take any crap off anyone about anything. always full of laughs too. another guy i spent a whole year sat next too...i watched him from the start of the year, keeping himself to himself and quiet, but by the end of the year he had come out of his shell in leaps and bounds. he talks like no tomorrow and he's so determined to make his mark.
then there's my uncle Kev. oh how things have changed in 44 years. if he was alive today i'm sure he'd be much happier than what he was. he wouldn't have to endure harassment and being outcast by socitiy. nor would my aunt or mother. i don't think mother would be that different to how she is now mind and i'm sure we'd have disowned my aunt at some point anyway. maybe i wouldn't have a phobia of vommit ether...but hey there's nothing i can do now. i can't erase his death..the memory of watching him slowly die...listening to him violently vommit...finding out he's dead the following week. now think back to when you was 5 years old and put yourself in my shoes.

so for all those who think shouting shit at people cause of what you see is 'funny' or 'cool'. think again. it hurts people. human beings. go on. look in the mirror. you're a human being too. would you like it if someone discriminated against you for the sake of it? no, i don't think you would.

well i tend to laugh at most things...except immature comedy. i was brought up on black, army and witty humor. by witty it's more pikes takes than anything else. so from that most things become humorous. even tales of a Gurkha chopping a German's head clean off can be funny...i'm usually the one cracking the jokes and witty remarks in public...i tend to use it as a way of hiding or getting out of feeling awkward. but not black or army. i leave that for biological family and anyone in the army.
but one thing is laugh cause you find it funny. if not then don't. no point in half measures.

even though joining the army would compromise my beliefs i looked into it. the fitness regime seemed reasonable and would take me awhile to get used to. but the basic gist i incorporated into my own workout. i had even picked out what i wanted to do, checked everything out and knew the behind scenes that the public doesn't see. how? my grampa was in the TA for 26 years and my ex-fiancee also signed up in RLC. i can still remember our convos about it...but it was when i went into the local sign up office that put me off. not the dirt but the medical. they have a list of medical conditions that stop people from joining. two things where on that list that stopped me - childhood eplipsy and selfharm. so i'm rather useless to them.
morally. well if it is law then by all means do so as instructed. i'm an Anglican and i will agree with the law even if i loathe it. but as an option it is up to the individual to decide if it is the right thing for them to do so. but they MUST be FULLY AWARE of what is EXPECTED of them. they must be prepared to kill for the Head of State (Queen, King, Priminister, Pressident etc) and country. they must be prepared to put themselves in the most extreme of conditions that untill you've experienced you will never know how much you can endure.
but the disapline. i'd like to see some of that back in schools. respect is something that seems to be absent from my generation. but saying that i'm more of a leader than a follower.

i say quick meaning it isn't the huge one i tend to do about once a year. no it's just looking at the past few weeks.

the loss of sleep has started to kick in. all those nights worrying, crying, staring at the ceiling wide awake thinking, odd dreams and spiritual encounters...it seems they're coming to a form of an end. after all as one door closes another opens so i'm told. but from what i've been through it isn't so clean cut. there's gray in between those black and white lines of people's expectations.

still i lay awake worrying. not about the unknown as such. i know Minty's safe but exausted. still without a reply. but she's safe. so that's over on twitter. i'm reluctant to use it....it's just short lines nothing much more. i'm gobby and creative. for me it's restrictive. that certainly isn't a word i'm comfortable with. but on twitter it's just us girls which i'm thankful for being able to have that space. it's been awhile since my private facebook account hasn't had any men in. the men being David, dad, big bro and uncle Dan. so breathable in that sence. for that reason i've no intension of encouraging them to sign up.

but the recent restriction being money. i claim job seekers. i hate it but i have no other choice. i volunteer at Oxfam to keep me away from mother. my biological family does not spend quality time together and we do not like spending much time around each other. mother is out on the days i'm at home with the exception of the weekend. so it fits nicely. we come together for dinner, saying very little of importance if at all, then relaxing for the evening which i spend in my room.

i've been told to get out and meet new 'real' people instead of facebook and other soical networks. but the 'real' people round here are just idiots that i want little if at all to do with. they remind me of why i want to get the hell out of here and why i tend to soicalise with people who are much older than me. i know i'm mature for my age but still i've yet to learn. that i fear may only come from experience...experiences that i just don't want to be part of like soicalising in a pub or going out dancing. it doesn't interest me. why when i can sit at home having a quiet drink and whatever music i chose that isn't loud enough to increase the amount of tinus i already have? meet new people i hear you cry. truth be told i'm more of a loner than soical butterfly. i can't stand people gossiping. for many years i've been on the receiving end of it and i'm sick of the shit people spread. inaccuraces, like all chinese whispers, but most parts being true and negitive. nothing positive. i'm even scared that anything positive will be turned negitive. i wouldn't be suprised. it's a spiteful town. some nice people but not alot.

i've also picked up the pen again. maybe i'll finish something this time.

Both would be Minty.

no. otherwise it impedes. i'm a creative person.

i find the things i say and do become the talk of town for the wrong reasons...whatever it is that i say or do it's misunderstood and twisted into some idiot's opinion - even my biological family do so.

i find it best just to get on with it and just keep going, not explaining nor answering to anyone who demands an answer.

i am a woman of action not of words. even the way someone walks puts me off. i read people like books asking a list of questions along the way. even after years of knowing someone i still test them. i want to know if i can trust them with myself - the person that i am and not the public profile that constantly looks over her shoulder like some beaten dog.

without a doubt i am a hard woman to please...but then i'm a hard boiled sweet with a soft center.

 
at the back or left hand side. mostly away from other people. i tend to keep myself to myself...unless it's a meeting then i'm usually gabbing just to prove i know more than they're telling me and that sitting for an hour listening to something i learnt for 2 years is a complete insult along with being told about things that are of no use to me what so ever such as courses that i can take while being on the dole that i must be 19 or over or even 40 and over. same with benefits that i can apply for when i get PT i have to ether have a kid or be over 25. i'm an 18 year old ex student who has a total of 1 months work experience. ¬_¬ so i dit there adding small piss takes or trying to stay awake. pfft government bastards.

i worry every day that she's gone for good. that she wants nothing more to do with me. it breaks my heart every time i think about it...reducing me to some cowering whimp...

i know that i need to say how i feel and that bottling it up doesn't do any good...even if saying it doesn't ether...but i have the choice to speak or remain silent. to remain silent would be to bottle things up - thoughts, feelings, opinions..all repressed. left undealt with. left to naw away at me....bit by bit, day by day..till it becomes too much for me to bare. to the point where i snap under the stress. i stress out to the point of near insanity. then snap! i'm back to the way i was. as if the stress never occured in the first place.

letting my thoughts, feelings and opinions made known...usually it'll hurt someone...myself...someone who's taken it the wrong way...someone who's twisted my words to their own meaning. but how can i apologize for that? how can they expect me to be sorry for something that's embedded into each any everyone of us? yet i know full well that they won't for their's. so in those cases i don't defend nor explain what i say or do. sometimes it's nessisary for someone to hurt so that they can learn and grow...if you walk into a lamp post it hurts so you avoid doing it again. same for emottional pain. i find emottional pain worse than physical. i know how to deal with that...how to ease the pain, how to patch myself up, but emottional can't be done like that.

i've grown up with parents who blame...aim their anger at me...be it verbally...swearing at me, degrading me in any way posible 'you need to see a shrink you do, you ain't right in the head.' 'you're the one with the problem'...or physically...the painful part being that i trusted my dad...in some respects i still do...but after being on the receiving end of his anger...i know he's capable of killing a grown man with his bare hands if no one is around to stop him...mother might be weaker than me but she can just about stop him from flying across the kitchen in a blind rage...i'm told that's nothing which terrorfies me. i rarely talk about the times dad's beaten me. i just don't want to face it.

from that i know that it's wrong to take my feelings out on someone else. that i'd rather walk away when i'm angry. but there have been times that i've done that and regretted it. i know i'm a jealous person. i have no idea how to curb it...i know it can and does get the better of me. so i walk away fearing what i'm capable of...such destruction, hurt, suffering and pain...i don't want to inflict that on someone i care about...but in walking away i lose the one thing i yearn for - a companion. someone whos there through thick and thin, someone who still loves me no matter how much i screw up, someone who knows me intermately, someone who understands and someone i can cherish, spoil, care for, help, support, comfort...share the rest of my life with.

doted on by a partner would be nice but usually i'm left to it. unless i'm throwing up every half hour or so in which case my parents hover. for once they don't bother me cause that's the only time when they realize that i am actually ill and not fi for our usual domsetics. the part that bothers me is having my back rubbed it makes me feel worse.
most winters i'm ill. now a days mainly colds which i just plough through. most people would take a day or two off. but no i'm out in the freezing cold in my beloved fleese jacket sucking on cough sweets, drinking mochas/ hot chocolates/ soups and puffing away at my cigerette. heck my periods make man flu look like a walk in the park! so hell am i taking a day off on the grounds of the common cold.

ironicly i have done all three of those things and no i'm not scared ether. i only thing i tend to be wary of is local folk lore.